I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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