I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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