like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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