Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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