Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
