Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
