I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
