You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
