Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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