Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
