Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
