Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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