I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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