i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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