You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
