Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
