I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
