I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
