It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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