I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
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The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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