Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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