My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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