my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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