He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
