Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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