no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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