I CAN MOONWALK!
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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