apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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