No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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