I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Vodka?
Forever.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
