Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
