my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
