I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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