and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Boobs speak an international language.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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