party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
