I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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