I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
