i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
