Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We left the knife in your bed.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
