Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
