I think my fart just growled at me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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