i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize