So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
