I hate your face
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
