Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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