she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can't turn off my feet"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are the jesus of drinking
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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