so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
