Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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