i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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