Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
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She made me pour olive oil on her.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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