i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
