i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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