Did you just see the Batmobile???
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
