Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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