Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
