I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
