just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Houston, we have a squirter
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
