I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
