Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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then he tried to convert me to islam
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
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I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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