my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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