i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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