i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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