Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
