every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
