i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
