It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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