So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?