Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
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I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno