I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.